Aaaahhhh, love is in the air here at Rent It Today. With Valentine’s Day upon us and because we care about you, we’ve compiled a list of five unique gifts you could give your Sweetie this year. But before we give away the secrets to a successful Valentine’s Day, we would like to state the following:
Rent It Today shall not be held responsible for any injury, break-up, tire-slashing, defamatory Facebook posts from your Snookums, or other damage or loss of any kind suffered or incurred by any person who is stupid enough to use the suggestions below as real gift ideas.
Now that that is out of the way…..the envelope, please……(drumroll)……..
NUMBER 5: Ear Cleaning
The love of your life must live in Japan if you wish to bestow on them the service of having a professional clean out their ears. And because I am certain you are wondering who qualifies as a professional, I will inform you, it’s not just anyone that makes walrus teeth with Q-tips. Instead, the staff go through a grueling one week training to master the skills and use of a cleaning tool known as a mimikaki. Sounds like a bunch of mimikaki to me, but I swear, this is for real.
NUMBER 4: Mobile Hangover Bus
So your Honey Buns can’t handle all that Sex on the Beach, huh? We’re talking the drink here! Well, for anyone that overdid it the night before, now they have a place to recover with a bunch of other embarrassed amateurs. Hangover Heaven will provide you with all the hydration, vitamin supplementation, puke buckets, and stomach pumps you need to cure your cotton mouth. Well, they don’t really advertise stomach pumps, but there is a catch. You can’t be so wasted that you don’t know where you are, as part of their service includes picking you up from your fall down spot. So before you pass out, make sure you ask that stranger next to you for their address, then write it on your forehead so you’ll see it when you splash water on your face in the morning.
NUMBER 3: Personal Hand-Written Letter or Poem
Sure, this sounds like an obvious one, but the best part is that it’s for those that are good with words, but lazy as a sloth. For anyone that doesn’t know, sloths are known as the slowest mammal on Earth, spending most of their time just hanging from a branch….not even getting up to get the remote….even if Lifetime is on. For you sloth-like personalities out there, Epistly will write your Cutie-Patootie a personal letter of prose. Here’s the thing…you have to compose the words, and they will literally just write it, because their handwriting is much prettier than yours, and they probably own one of those super cool pens from the eighties that have red, green, and blue all in one.
NUMBER 2: Bird Excrement Removal
Your relationship truly hits a milestone when you can start talking about poop. Well, if you’re already there with your Little Poopy-Pants, then the gift of bird sh*t removal may just be the best present they could ever imagine getting. And if they really feel that way, you may want to also line up Idea Number 4 for them, because they are obviously smashed out of their mind.
NUMBER 1: Maid Service
This is for all you lovely ladies out there, looking for the ideal gift for your Big Daddy Yum Yum. If you are secure in your relationship, or just tired and out of excuses, you should hire the gals that buff in the buff. Yep, we women have hit an all time low! Lubbock Fantasy Maid Service in Texas will send out one of their Angel-Pusses to clean your man’s area for a small fee. But don’t be confused. These ladies have standards! They advertise as “not a sexually oriented business.” Well that makes sense. I guess they are just like us everyday Moms out there – looking to provide for our kids, cleaning out World War III that takes place in our husband’s toilet, and dealing with our self-esteem and height issues by wearing stilettos. I get it. Too bad I don’t live in Texas. My 5’2” frame could use a couple extra bucks.